With apologies for the long delay in posting new poetry…
Since sharing my first three Camp Miller poems (“Free”, “Gang Intervention”, and “The Fence”) a few months ago, I have continued to reflect on the opportunity I’ve had to spend time with incarcerated teens through the Catholic Services Juvenile Ministry of the Los Angeles Archdiocese Office of Restorative Justice. As much as anything, I have been overwhelmed by the way that being in fellowship with these young people has brought healing and refreshing to my own spirit after an extended season of transition and a certain degree of emotional closed-off-ness.* (While I still hope that my encouragement will in some small way help my young friends press on toward constructive and joy-filled futures, I am more and more convinced that I receive more than I give through our exchanges.)
I have found it difficult to put into words the transformation that is underway in my heart–or the depth of my gratitude for this emotional renewal and growth–but today’s poem and another that I will share very soon are early attempts to cobble together a fitting expression of thanks to my young brothers who are, to again borrow words from Father Greg Boyle of Homeboy Industries, “returning me to myself.”
*see my earlier post/poem “Numb” for context…
Breaking Out of the Box
I had sentenced myself
to a lifetime
of model citizenship,
relentlessly striving
to subdue
and repress
unruly emotions:
fear
anger
jealousy
even love—
or at least the need-based
counterfeits
that so often pass
for love—
but now my corseted life
brushes up against
the chaos and pain
of crime and punishment
and instead of watching
with maternal pride
as my hard-won veneer
of self-control
smoothes and shines
those who have been caught
coloring outside the lines
I can only catch my breath
as scarred hands clasp mine
in prayer
and newfound friendship
offering back to me my heart
reminding me that perfection
and excellence
are as often enemies
as allies
and inspiring me to plead
for early release
from this solitary holding cell
of my own construction.
© 2013
Alexis Spencer-Byers