Making Mud

As promised, here is a second poem about the transformative effect of interacting with incarcerated teens via the Catholic Services ministry at Camp Miller (as well as with some other inspiring youth I have recently encountered through a wonderful organization called Street Poets). I continue to be profoundly grateful for how these young people–with their struggles, rough edges, refreshing (if sometimes frightening) honesty, kindness, courage, and creative talent–are softening the soil of my heart. Even as I recognize the potential for great pain that is inherent in my growing attachment to these “at-risk” youth, I am deeply appreciative of the privilege of sharing a season of life with them.

Making Mud

With joined hands
     and soothing voices
they form a seamless healing circle
     all around me

names
     faces
          stories
     memories
dreams . . .

Tears of joy and sorrow
     anger and fear
          regret and relief
               tenderness and compassion

fall onto packed ground

not yielding life
     right away

but seeping in
     softening the soil
          making mud

creating a space that is
     messy
          malleable
     vulnerable
enriched

at-risk for being marred
     by the gouging imprint
          of a careless boot
          or wayward tire

yet simultaneously able
     to nurture and sustain
fragile seeds
     of hope and faith.

© 2013
Alexis Spencer-Byers

Breaking Out of the Box

With apologies for the long delay in posting new poetry…

Since sharing my first three Camp Miller poems (“Free”, “Gang Intervention”, and “The Fence”) a few months ago, I have continued to reflect on the opportunity I’ve had to spend time with incarcerated teens through the Catholic Services Juvenile Ministry of the Los Angeles Archdiocese Office of Restorative Justice. As much as anything, I have been overwhelmed by the way that being in fellowship with these young people has brought healing and refreshing to my own spirit after an extended season of transition and a certain degree of emotional closed-off-ness.* (While I still hope that my encouragement will in some small way help my young friends press on toward constructive and joy-filled futures, I am more and more convinced that I receive more than I give through our exchanges.)

I have found it difficult to put into words the transformation that is underway in my heart–or the depth of my gratitude for this emotional renewal and growth–but today’s poem and another that I will share very soon are early attempts to cobble together a fitting expression of thanks to my young brothers who are, to again borrow words from Father Greg Boyle of Homeboy Industries, “returning me to myself.”

*see my earlier post/poem “Numb” for context…

Breaking Out of the Box

I had sentenced myself
     to a lifetime
     of model citizenship,
relentlessly striving
     to subdue
     and repress
unruly emotions:

     fear
     anger
     jealousy

even love—
or at least the need-based
     counterfeits
that so often pass
     for love—

but now my corseted life
brushes up against
the chaos and pain
     of crime and punishment

and instead of watching
     with maternal pride
as my hard-won veneer
     of self-control
smoothes and shines
those who have been caught
     coloring outside the lines

I can only catch my breath
as scarred hands clasp mine
     in prayer
     and newfound friendship

offering back to me my heart

reminding me that perfection
     and excellence
are as often enemies
     as allies

and inspiring me to plead
     for early release
     from this solitary holding cell
          of my own construction.

© 2013
Alexis Spencer-Byers